Fate and Regret
Today’s August 7th, 2015. The
last time I posted something on my Blog is about two months ago, June 7th, 2015. Well, that’s such a quite long period, and you know, there actually
bunch of things (emphasis on BUNCH) I should’ve done. But the fact is I’ve done
nothing but spending-a-lot-of-money in these last two months. Yet in other side,
two months is also not a quite long period for plenty of people, to pass their
thesis defense and get two additional letters behind their names. In my
department for instance, there are 30 of 70 person whom have already passed the
final test (thesis defend) and soon will graduate (Damn it, it hurts me so bad).
Then, what the hell happen to me? Well, good question. You’ll know!
I finished my thesis last week, and you know, the moment I gave it up to my professor to get corrected, he told me something that sound like a death to me. My prof said he wouldn’t be in town for a while –for a month actually- cuz he has some kind of duties to do out there. It means, I can’t carry out my thesis defense this month, which means I can’t graduate asap neither. Sound like a death, doesn’t it? Yes. It really drives me crazy.
I remember when I asked my friends two months ago – Why are you guys like “in such a rush” to pass the college? Don’t we still have much time left before the new semester began? – Now I literally have to take those questions back, cuz it’s like a backfire on me. I was like stuck in the clock and can’t move forward. What can I say? I’ve finished my thesis but unfortunately I can’t defend it without my professor. He’s the controller. He’s the key whether I can carry on or not.
Everything feels like getting rough more every day, and I’m getting more stressful as well since then and I can’t even laugh (just some forcing-laughter and faking-smile I did when friends try to cheer me up). Most of the days I spent regretting myself. I regret myself for asking my friends those questions. I regret myself for taking a long break after Seminar and for everything I haven’t done, back then. Nothing I can do but regret and feeling guilty, that’s all. The more I tried to flashback, the more regret and guilty I felt. I feel bad for my parent, too. I told them I must have finished my study by the end of this month, but apparently I’ll let them down. I haven’t even told them yet the truth cuz I am afraid. But I know sooner or later they would find out.
Occasionally I force myself to think, to get everything straight and to find the way out. Then, I ended up with this words “it will happen when it happens”. Well, if I don’t get it wrong I could say that’s a fate. I would eventually graduate when I graduate, and I would be happy when I’m happy. Kinda make sense tho. But somehow I’m wondering, is there a fine line between regret and fate? I sometimes regret for having Prof Asep to become my supervisor, but in other hand I have to accept it, because he has meant to become my supervisor.
And, What if I had not taken a break after seminar and doing my thesis right away? What if I had been spending my time to kick its ass, day and night and never stop?
Regret would answer these question with – it’s too late, no “what if” in regret, cuz
it all your fault – but fate's answer would be – if you could do that you might not have been confused like this, but
don’t worry it’s fated to be –
Regret just makes me be more suppressed, yet the opposite fate calms me down. So, if I have to choose between regret and fate, I would definitely choose fate, because fate totally makes sense to me -at least for now. Everything has meant to be, everything has fated to be. 30 people have already passed the test because it meant to be, 40 people haven’t yet passed the test because it meant to be, and I can’t defend my thesis due to my professor is not gonna be around for a month because it also meant to be. So, there’s nothing I should be regret for. God might’ve set me into this way, and I’m sure something good is yet to come cuz it’s only a matter of the time. So, I better wait instead.
Every ones have their own way, and their own fate. It all has been set by God a long time ago. So, never regret for everything that happened to you, cuz it has meant to be!
Next month new semester would soon be began, and if I can’t get the completion documents by the end of this month, I would still have to pay the tuition fee. Well, I don't expect this before, and I never planned it to be this way, that’s just an intervention of a fate, so I can do nothing, just hoping for the best, for me and for my friends who always be around supporting me, and also another 40 people who haven't passed the final test.
