It feels good to finally sit back on my desk, face to face with my laptop’s screen and pressing the keyboard’s buttons to write what’s on mind, since the last time I remember I did it was about couple months ago. Well, if I sum it up what happened in the last couple months, I can say “everything’s going well”, I was just quite busy to decide what I’ll have to do for a living so that I couldn’t be having bonding-time as much as before to just chitchat with my laptop. But now I can, and here we are.
***
I just turned twenty three in
thirty days ago. Sunday, November 1st 2015. If you ask me, was I
really excited and happy welcoming that day like anybody else!? Did I get a
surprise cake with a flaming candle number 23 on it!? I’d say NO, I was not,
and that’s not what I expected to, tho. To be honest, my birthday was going so
ordinary, nothing special and even me myself, didn’t feel so special either.
Just some felicitations and wishes people sent me on social media (you know,
current people’s style). All I did in my birthday was just staying in my room,
killing the boredom by watching movie all day long till drop. And what I felt
back then was confused, scared, stressed wrapped up in one package. Stressed
because I still haven’t found any job at the time. I’m scared for what I have
and haven’t done in my 22’s and also scared of what’s ahead of me and what step
I’ll have to take next. And, I’m confused for all the plan I have to make,
which I haven’t made yet till now – Damn it, I’m getting more absurd for this
life.
I gotta say, making plans is
really difficult and would be getting more difficult if you don’t know what you
want to do, or what your passion. And that’s my problem. Speaking of passion, it
literally confuses me. It’s a kind of word where people put a lot of
definitions on, and many people argue about. What is the meaning of passion? What
is my passion? I can’t answer. I tried to search for its meaning on dictionary,
it says passion is something that we really want to do. But in other hand, I’m
not sure by that meaning. Well, if that’s what the meaning of passion so, how
about this : I really do wanted to climb mountains since I was in elementary
school – which btw not accomplished yet by now. Well, since I REALLY wanted to
do it (emphasis on “really”) so, can we call it a passion”? Is that “my
passion”!? Mountain climbing is my passion, seriously!? No way, it can’t be. I didn’t
stop, I put that questions online and one of friends of mine named ALFI BAGUS P
answered. He said “passion is something that you enjoy and you’re happy with it”.
Honestly, I still doubt it somehow, I enjoy doing certain things and I’m happy
with it. Yet, I’m not sure it can be my passion.
I feel guilty remembering how I once
lectured my friend about passion, telling him that everyone must have at least
one passion in this life and there’s no way people not have it unless they are
a zombie. But now I take back my words and trying to ask myself, what’s my
passion? Yet ironically, I can’t find the answer. Well, perhaps I am a zombie
-.- my friend’s name is ALMASUL. Fyi, he used to be a big guy and girls said he
was cute because he always make fun on everything. But now, who knows he’s made
a change in his life. He’s not a big guy and not cute anymore (girl says) but,
he become wiser than he used to be (sorry, I didn’t mean to judge people physically).
If we see his track records, he’s doing well on everything after all, I meant
he’s a happy guy, he means doing everything he did and more importantly he
never complain at all about his life (that’s what I saw). Then, what shocks me
the most is when he did suddenly tell me that he’s being confused about his
life-goals, his passion and he said he doesn’t even have any of them. How come
a fine people like him end up to be confused about his life, his passion and doesn’t
have any goals? So, what about me who always be doubtful and complain every
seconds of my life!? What would my life be like in the future if I always be
that way!? Well, at least now I know, I shouldn’t have lectured my friend,
Masul, about life and passion where I actually know nothing about it about still doubt it.
..................
To be continued
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