A Life Changing
As always, it takes a few time for me to think
a perfect opening word to start up this writing, Lol. The power of digital
screen I guess, you got what you were going to write earlier, but once you sit
down and your eyes staring right at the digital screen, its lights would
influence you, makes you forget everything you wanted to write. And it could
happen in another circumstances as well.
Okay, that’s my opening words!
I really fucked up recently. I have no progress
on my thesis but the things I’ve done instead was hanging out and spending money
way too much like there’s no future. Somehow it feels good, but in other hand I’m
sick of it or scared to be exact. It felt literally good to get along with
friends, killing the boring time, and spending not-much-time left we have
before graduating, of course it’ll cost much money but that’s not the money I really
scared of, what scared me is ME, myself. It sounds kind of cliché, but I have
an explanation on it, which about to be told you soon.
Here we go…..
A few days ago I met my high school friends I’ve not seen for so long. Too
much thing we’ve been catching up together, talked about our current activities,
the future and even talked about the past we’ve been thru. I know, now is the
high-technology era where we can easily talk thru social media for free, yet it
still not enough for us unless we talk eye to eye. As a few hours conversation
we had, I have one thing that get me over thinking and stuck on my mind for a while
since then, it is MOVE ON. As the time keep flying by, a lot of things change over
my friends, behaviour, style, and even their habits. Which mean they’ve moved
on. That makes me question myself then. Have I changed? Have I moved on? These two
questions some kind of questions I haven’t been able to answer yet. Sometimes I
see the differences of me compared with who I used to be, but sometimes I also feel
the same way with who I used to be, never changes, such a childish,
passionless, effortless, past lovers, social media addicts and many more.
Before we continue, I wanna ask something. Is it kinda exaggerating for
having this feeling and for sharing this story? If it is, I’m gonna stop, but
if it isnt, I’ll go on ---------- Well, whatsoever, fuck it!
“Are you still in love with
**** till now?” one of my high friends asked me.
I said “hmm nope! Just a
little. It’s impossible to make it zero percent, right? There must be zero
point bla bla bla percent of the remaining”.
“Seriously? It’s been for
ages Rief, well, not for ages, it’s been 5 years! But you’re still in love with
her, the same girl. What is wrong with you? Move on!” she added.
“I can’t, I dunno. I tried
to fall in love with someone else, but it eventually ended up with her. Feels like
she stays forever on my head. But no worries! Zero point bla bla bla doesn’t
count anyway” I argued.
“Well, your mind is absolutely in trouble. You need to rehab”.
Actually I’ve never shared about my love story before, who I fall in love
to, and I also told it to nobody. But that’s the pieces of conversation I had
with my friends, proves that I haven’t moved on yet.
Day by day after that conversation, I keep thinking, thinking and thinking
until I got some conclusions. My life is indeed go on, but my mind is stuck on
the past still. I mean, physically I’m hitting the road to continue my life,
but mentally I am not ready yet, I still stuck on the past. Even though I have
a lot of new friends, but my mind stays with my old friends. It sucks when I go
hanging out with my new friends, my body is there, blends with them, but
meanwhile my mind is hanging out with my old friends as well. And all about
another the past stuff that I can’t forget. Totally sucks!
I have no idea how many times I’ve been talking about “the past”, “move on”
over and over again in my previous posting. I bet you might be bored seeing me
keep complaining about it. But the fact is I just can’t figure it out. That’s
why! That’s the very reason. And just that!
While I still focus on finding out the way to move on, another life problems
keep coming up, Thesis defense one of them. Unfortunately, I definitely have to
put it to the very top list of the things I concern the most. I must take
finding-the-way-out-to-move-on stuff away for a while and more focusing to my
thesis instead.
I always keep asking myself, why everybody else can do it, yet I can’t? That
question leads me to something “I have to make a life revolution!” Baby steps
is okay! Start from a little yet hardest one, QUIT USING SOCIAL MEDIA. I’m sure
you guys absolutely know why it’s started from social media? Yes, because I am
an extremely social media addicts, and I am gonna make a huge life changing,
and for another reason? You name it. I am just wondering how I will be like
without social media, and how long could I survive. Let’s see.
Just wait for another further life revolution I am about to make!!!
******
here's some words I have to ponder about:
